Know Thyself
by Melooza
Summary: It is said the greatest thing we can ever do is learn who we are, but what price must we pay to accomplish that? Slash Backslash entry


**Story Name: Know Thyself  
Pen name: Melooza  
Pairing: Charlie/Jenks  
Disclaimer: Not Mine. ****I KNOW it is an odd pairing but it fits for the story I wanted to tell.**

**To see other entries in the "SLASH BACKSLASH" contest, please visit the C2: http:/www(.)fanfiction(.)net/c2/68069/3/0/1/**

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_1989_

This could not be happening.

"I hear by grant full custody of Isabella Marie Swan to her mother Renee Higginbotham. All visitations will be supervised..."

I tuned out after that. They were taking my baby from me and there was nothing I could do about it.

It is one thing when a man leaves his wife to be with another he loves. It somehow makes you a monster if the one you love is another man.

I know that I hurt Renee and myself for lying from the beginning. I was trying to be everything that was expected of me. The Chief of Police Had to be a "Man's man", which to everyone else was being tough, hard working, and fair. Apparently you couldn't be any of that if you were gay. I found myself going from protecting the town I lived in to being viewed as what the town needed protection from.

My mind wandered back to where it all started.

I truly did love Renee. In many ways I think that she was the only women I could ever love enough to be with physically. She was lively, loving and kept me on my toes. I knew that I was attracted to men for as long as I could remember, but having grown up in a very strict religious family, the views on the subject were very clear. It was wrong. I just thought that I was going to live my life alone and play my lack of significant other off due to the career I had chosen.

Renee changed everything for me the day I met her. She gave me hope that maybe I could have the life I wanted. I could be a father and a husband. I will always love her for that. The first few years were great. We got married, and found out a few months later that we would be having a baby.

I knew I always wanted to be a father but nothing prepared me for when they placed my daughter into my arms. I couldn't have been happier. I was doing everything that was expected of me and enjoying myself while I did so. I thought life would never get better than that.

It wasn't until I was called to a crime scene in a neighboring town that things changed for me. That night was when I met Senior Detective Jeremy Jenks. I knew right then that I had been kidding myself into thinking I was living a fulfilled life. We became close, working to solve the case, and I fell in love with him over the following months as we worked on bringing it to trial.

Jeremy and I never came out with our feelings. There were lingering touches and glances that hinted of things that could be but never anything more. I could only hope he felt the same way but wasn't willing to risk losing everything if I was wrong. I felt like I was leading a double life.

I never cheated physically on Renee. I could never do that to her. I knew that leaving her for another man would hurt her enough, but I figured I could at least give her that. Hell, I didn't even know if that man would have me or if he was even gay. It made no difference in the end though. I was still in a court room having my baby girl taken from me.

The night everything came out was the worst and best night of my life. Renee was no dummy and felt me pulling away from her. Whether Jeremy loved more or not didn't change the fact that I no longer cared for Renee the same way. We'd stopped having sex altogether by the time she confronted me about it. She flat out asked me, "what is her name?" when I made another excuse on why I couldn't be intimate with her. I had grown tired of lying to everyone and told her the truth.

His name was Jeremy.

At first she thought I was fucking with her and she said as much. When she realized I could not have been more serious she broke down. I would have preferred anger over the anguished sobs I heard as I fled from my once home.

I went to the only place that still held hope for me. I prayed that he would return my feelings and make my breaking the only women I have loved worth it all. When he answered the door I didn't even give him time to ask questions. I simply pulled him close and kissed him with everything that I had in me. I was filled with joy when he returned in kind. It lasted a brief moment before he came to his senses and demanded to know what had changed. He made it very clear that he was not willing to be something on the side nor would he be willing to start anything behind Renee's back.

I loved him a little more at the moment and explained to him everything that had happened in the last few hours. I was surprised at my emotion as I told him of my last few seconds with Renee. I cried quietly in his arms for an hour after I finished. It struck me as we sat holding on to one another that he never made clear his thoughts and feelings. Dreading the worst I pulled him close, my lips hovering over his and begged "Please tell me it wasn't for nothing. You love me too don't you?"

His answer was with his body and I had never felt more whole in my life. I wish it could have lasted.

I never thought that Renee could turn on me so fast. I understand that most of it was done out of hurt, as a way to make me pay for all the pain I had caused, but taking my child from me was just crossing a line. Her claim to the court was I could not be a fit parent because of the hours I worked and the new life style I has chosen to live. I had to laugh at the idea that I _chose_ to love men any more than she chose to love them.

My job was quickly becoming a none issue as well. Having heard about my lifestyle change the good people of my town started a petition to have me removed as Chief of Police. The petition stated that not only was I untrustworthy but the children of the town were at a greater risk of being harmed due to the company I kept. I couldn't help but wonder if this was how the people of the witch trials felt all those years ago.

I was pulled from my thoughts by my lawyer. The court was over and in many ways so was I. The one shining thing about this is that through it all Jeremy was by my side. He was enduring the same hate in his job and town as I was. We kept each other strong and fighting.

I could not understand the ruling. Yes I was gay but I had been in exactly TWO relationships in my life. After I left Renee, her love life became a revolving door of men. I know she needed the validation but at what cost? What was she teaching our daughter? What had I taught our daughter?

I rose from my seat and was pulled into Jeremy's arms. I pulled away looking for my little girl hoping to say goodbye before I was only allowed to see her once a month for an hour while a court appointed employee wondered why I was hugging her. That idea alone broke me more than I ever thought.

I spotted Renee being lead out of court by a tall blond man. I knew that Bella would be waiting outside for one of us so I quickly made my way past them to get to my little girl first. As soon as I was out the doors I spotted her sitting on a nearby bench coloring next to her babysitter. She got the best parts of her mother and I. She heard me coming and had just enough time to look up before I scooped her into my arms.

"Daddy do I get to play at your house more?" Hope fairly evident on her young face.

"No baby. I am so sorry. I will see you as much as I can, OK? Never forget that I love you." I couldn't hide the pain I was feeling.

"Daddy don't be sad. We can still talk on the phone and write letters. I have always wanted a pen pal."

I had to smile at my child comforting me. She was so much wiser than others her age. A large part of me was angry. Angry because I was going to be my child's Pen Pal and not her father. Why was Renee doing this?

"That sounds like a deal, baby girl. We could even make up our own code." I refused to have my last moments with her now tainted by my own pain.

"Oh that sounds like fun. We can pass secret messages to one another!" Her excitement grew as she warmed to the idea.

I heard the familiar footsteps and knew our time was coming to an end.

"Isabella I want you to go wait in the car. Mommy has to talk to Charlie for just a moment." Renee's voice was so cold and bitter.

Calling me Charlie instead of her father was the last straw for me.

"Renee I am her father whether you like it or not. Stop being petty and cruel; you will teacher her bad habits." My rage and pain was becoming less controlled as I spoke with her.

"I think the court just agreed with me that you are the parent who needs to be taught a thing or two about bad habits."

God. Was it really my actions that turned a once loving women into this hateful creature?

"Mommy, Daddy please stop fighting. Please don't be mad." Bella was starting to panic. My poor baby.

My child's pleas took the fight right out of me. Hugging her close, I lowered myself to place her on the ground feeling her tears on my my shirt while I did so.

"OK baby, I won't fight. But guess what?" I tried to sooth her.

"What?" she sniffled.

"I love you more than life itself and if you ever need me day or night you call me, OK?" I pleaded.

She thought about it for a moment then asked meekly:

"Can I call you when I get scared?"

I didn't hesitate with my answer.

"Especially if you get scared. I will protect you from whatever you are scared of." I vowed I would do anything to keep her from feeling more pain.

"Bella, dear, we have to go." Renee's voice was almost gentle.

I looked up to see a small glimpse of the women I married, but as quickly as it came it left when she saw me looking. Squaring her shoulders she took Bella's hand and started down the hall without so much as a goodbye from either of them.

Bella fought to get the chance to tell me goodbye, but her fight was in vain. Her cries could be heard echoing down the hall even after they rounded the corner.

I was so focused on them leaving I didn't hear Jeremy's approach until he was right next to me. I felt his fingers on my face and realized that he was wiping my tears. Before I could react, the judge over the proceedings walked past. I was able to hear part of what he was saying as he did so.

"I felt it was for the best for all involved. Sure he's a great father now..."

I had never hated a human being more in my life than I did at that moment. Who the hell did he think he was? He made the ruling based on what he thinks might happen?

Sensing my change in emotion Jeremy pulled me close and tried to calm me. It was short lived as another passerby felt the need to comment.

"God! Look at those sick freaks. It is a good thing they didn't get that little girl. No telling what they would have done to her. The judge knew what the best choice was."

My fight left me and I broke. I could only think one thing while I sobbed:

Yeah sure... All for the best.

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Thanks to all that helped make this readable and those who were willing to take a chance on an unlikely couple.


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